my choir, school's starting, and life's picking up pace.

had my first choir session at pioneer today...
and i set myself a vision for this year:

"to make choir fun, more fun than it already is, yet provide the students with ample knowledge to advance vocally."

its hard though, really, when you have a group of students who chatter amongst themselves, and appear to not listen to you even though u're shouting ur lungs out and going crazy.
and teaching the choir is really harming my voice. i get horrid sore throats from shouting, hoping that even if not all of them listen, at least i get three or four students listening and learning from me.

gotta admit this sucks though. i just lack that authoratative charisma to make everyone listen to me when i speak. i'm not fierce enough.

and its not that i'm not trying...
but they're simply not listening.
i arrange a lady gaga song, hoping that that would liven things up and they would have fun,
but yes, granted they have fun, i still feel that most of them dont listen to me at all when i speak.
urghs.

---
school's starting tomorrow.
its a 6 module semester for me, so that means crazy schedules, waking up early, going home late, etc.
and if i'm going to work towards my target of earning and saving up sufficient money by the end of 2010, den i'm going to have to work doubly hard teaching my vocal/keyboard classes.

---
watched the sneaks of its complicated yesterday.
hilarious show i would say...
fully epitomizes the whole idea of having "Friends with benefits".
and its disturbing to know that more people are having sex at younger ages nowadays.
shldn't that be sth thats left for someone special and for marriage? :

it hasn't been easy at all.

but i'm able to now say her name without feeling much.

this chapter of my life, shld thus be closed.

2 years of pining for a girl who in the first place, i shldn't even be pining for..

thats 2 years of wasting alot of precious time feeling all emotional, and shutting my door on many other people and things.

the past, is the past.

i'm ready to step out of it. finally.

school's starting,
and in some way, i can't wait to get back to school.

i've become very homely.
and its hard for me to even believe it.

i'm contented with:
poker with the guys, hanging out and playing mahjong, playin squash with detong, sunday soccer, having to teach my wonderful choir, and being with my family.

and i love my buddy. we've known each other since secondary school, in fact, i've known loads of ppl since secondary school, but u're one of the only few who stuck with me throughout.

if u're even reading this, u know who u are, thank you for always being there.
it just takes a whole new meaning to jason mraz's song:
lucky i'm in love with my best friend.

cause being friends, i know u'll never leave me, and u know i'll never leave u.
we'll never ever be subjected to any quarrels or any heartbreaks or break ups.
and u mean the most to me.

-----
meanwhile, i still owe myself an entry on 2009 and the transition to 2010 with my new year resolutions.

i love 2009 because.
i got to travel to bkk with mich and xiaoting and i had a wonderful time
i got to conduct my choir and lead them to SYF... and i've spent so many ups and downs with this choir...
i got to attend arts camp and i got to know a few wonderful friends, josheen, jonchong, ewe..
i made new friends, fostered old friendships, learnt how to be a better person.

and i look to 2010 because.
i know i've got to stop living in my past. no more thinking of ds. and emoing and wallowing over self pity.
i've got to move on somehow and stop thinking of her, who evidently doesnt need me in her life at all.
i'm not even sure if i ever want to be in another relationship, because 2 years being single has taught me a lot and brought me several insights into what i really want.

i'm graduating from NUS, and i hope i can study music.

i'm an adult, officially, soon enough at least, and i've got to start planning my future and figuring out how i'm goin to earn my dream salary of 8000 a month.

and also figure out how to be an even better person than 2009.
no more bad habits. no more procrastinating.

i'm incoherent,
i'm not feeling very right.

and with so much going on my mind,
i'm feeling this tingling chill mixed with numbness, and emptiness.

i hate being emotional like this.
and sometimes i wish i just didnt care.

if i want something, i should fight for it shldn't i?
wheres my fighting spirit.

nothing seems right.
and you just keep floating in and out of my mind.
so i try to keep myself busy.

it used to work.
whats happening this time?

i almost forgot how it feels to be on stage,
until performing today.
feels good, feeling high right now..
did i tell you i think meryl's a damn good singer, totally captivated today.

and while singing, i thought i saw d. in the crowd.
and i blanked out and started singing weird off notes.
but i probably was just imagining things..
not like she wld say hi if she did happen to see me singing.
okay. i've got to stop this whole dreaming day dreaming thinking of ex gf shit.

thanks to those that came,
especially mum n dad, whom hardly sees me sing.
peifeng, eugene, jamie...
yup, thanks, appreciated!

i'm getting lethargic.

i guess i'm just not someone who can do the same stuffs day in day out.

jazz rehearsals' taking a toll on me,

and i've been spending hours trying to brainstorm about new ideas for my choir.

gonna start a formation of a 6-part acapella group this coming friday,

and all this i'm doing it out of goodwill, for free...

so the students better appreciate it, or at least i hope they do.

have i told you lately that i care?

i've been pretty much idling around at home, other than the occasional late night 3am poker nights with the guys...

so here's what i've been up to:

other than teaching my vocal keyboard classes, and my choir, and poker...

watched SYC choir concert at esplanade with charlotte,

squash with javin,

football manager at home,

and family time with my parents..

i don't remember loving being alone that much.

but thats whats happening to me.

maybe its age catching up on me.

----

met hsin that day by coincidence (or maybe not)

stupidly enough, i thought u might be there, so i walked back frm the train station all the way back to esplanade (where i came from)

and did i mention how one sms changed my entire day...

nv expected to hear from you, even though your message probably didn't mean that much to u,

but hearing from you in that message, seeing ur name in my inbox...

that was probably more than enough.

----

meanwhile:

things i havent accomplished yet for the holidays:

1. rearrange my room furniture

2. repaint my room

3. learn my guitar

4. improve on my beatboxing

5. write more songs.

6. keep fit.

---

which reminds me:

i'm performing at esplanade this weekend at the outdoor theatre.

do come watch! support nus jazz band :D

late night studying.

studying with josheen wee gave me a little impetus to start on my long overdue SC2205, SE2221 and NM3210 revision...
been quite some time since i last caught up with her anywayy...
glad i did, coz i managed to complete two SC2205 readings (out of which i never could manage to read when i'm studying at home)
and on top of that, it was good company.

we had a little conversation on the end of the world, and once again, i realised how many things i want to do but i haven't done yet..
and i was telling her how i totally can picture who i want to call and who's the last person i want to hear other than my family members before i die.
i'm not surprised if the world ends in 2012 really.
since the bible, and lots of major catastrohphies have been correctly predicted.

meanwhile, its going to be the end of the world if i don't buck up for the remaining 3 modules.
3 more papers, 2 more days,
and i cant wait for this burden of exams to be lifted from my wandering heart.

and i heard this song by bsb while driving on my way back home.
it goes sth like "i wanna stay single, i don't need a girl who finds me when he's gone"
how apt, which guy or girl is willing to be a substitute?
although ironically, i wldn't mind if its you, only that u dont see me as a substitute.
and then the vicious cycle goes on, coz if which girl is willing to be a substitute, then does it mean i'm destined to be a roving bachelor?

okay. before more philosophical thoughts start filling in my 4am wandering mind,
i should turn in now.

To do list after exams: (And i HAVE TO DO IT)
1. Master the guitar
2. Master beatboxing
3. Jog and start working out
4. Find out more about music universities overseas.
5. Find out more about speech level singing qualifications (so that i can level up when it comes to teaching)

I think i already know what i'm goin to do in future,
but i'm still going to go ahead for a 6 month internship to see if communications new media is for me, or should i just focus fully on music.

C'MON JOHN. u can do it.
GUITAR, BEATBOX, IMPROVED SINGING HERE I COME!~ :)

i salute these twins, really.
they cant sing, but they made me laugh like crazy.
watch the conversation part especially! hahahaa...

i woke up early today
so i decided to surf around on youtube, and i cant help but realize.

the standard of american idol is so high, compared to singapore idol.
they have the budget to hire live musicians, with string ensembles, vocal harmonies, dancers, etc.
so why cant singapore do something like that?

i've always thought stage choreography is extremely important.
but thats something thats obviously lacking in singapore.



while i'm still on music,
i've got to talk about mariah carey,
i watched her previous videos when she was way younger, and her songs were all fantastic, her voice was clean, and clear...
now her voice is nasal, hoarse, and a little congested... (though she still sounds great)
but yes, the importance of proper vocal techniques! (otherwise u probably wont be singing as nice as before ten years from now)

and still on music,
why are artistes in the past all vocally strong.
celine dion, mariah carey...
whereas now its full of people who use technology to tweak the pitch of their voices...
its sad how the music industry is going.

but as i'm saying this,
i'm still grooving to justin timberlake and craig david, so ya.... :))

seeking solace.

the weather's been great recently.
i've taken a liking to walking around my estate at night.
the temperature, the breeze is perfect for me in the search for peace and tranquility in my dull, boring life.

and a glass of baileys or vodka amidst the breeze is one of the greatest pleasure in life that i can find of late.

a pity i don't have a roof garden.
or a convertible.

but i guess, i'm contented.

went sukiya again with my parents just now, but we parked at suntec.
and suddenly the fountain brought back loads of memories.

my first time together with her was in secondary school.
i was like totally infactuated and gaga at that time, and while we were out with lots of RV people, i dedicated a msg for her on the fountain.
and told her i'll love her forever.

yea rite. forever.
we broke up soon enough.

the fountain holds lots of memories for me not only because of this.
but because i walked around it making wishes like so many times.
you know, walking around the fountain three times, stretching your hand out, and making a wish?

yes, i know.
you must be thinking to yourself "HUH HOW STUPID IS THAT. JOHN KHOO DOES THAT?"

but yes, i remember going there at least three times when i was with her.
twice i went alone.
once i went there and wished for her results in JC.... coz we were quarreling a lot back then and it was affecting her results...
so i went there and wished that she'll get through her exams with good results.

second time i went there and wished that we'll totally live happily ever after and that she'll want to marry me once i get out of NS and start schooling and earning enough money.

i cant believe i was that naive.

i was half tempted to walk around it just now again,
and wish that you'll live happily ever after with your boyfriend now.
but thats so fake isn't it?

when what my heart's really crying out, is that you'll love me again, we'll get married, i won't take you for granted, and we'll have kids and have a happy family together.

i'm honestly perturbed. read please.

several things happened that prompted me to pen down my thoughts today.

to start of,
i have a confession to make.
i'm probably one of the most insecure guys you can ever meet in your entire life.
i claim i dont care about what others think about me, but no, i care actually.
i care that i'm fat. that my face's too big.
i care that my complexion sucks, and that my hair's bad
i care if my hair colour's dull or if my clothes are a little too big or tight.
i care that i'm not well built, that i don't frequent the gym

rants aside.

--------
a few months back, someone labelled me a flirt, and spreaded that across the entire arts camp.
he dissected a lot of my actions and words, and slashed each word and action with a sharp blade, questioning not only my intentions, but my character as human being.

1. i went to the east to pick up two girls to camp, because it was their last day, and they hardly bonded with the OG. i didn't want them to start school with no friends to hang out with. so yes, i offered to pick them up and bring them back to school.

funny how the story got twisted up in the end. but yes, i forgave that person because i took it as a misunderstanding... or at least thats what i hope to believe.. its all a misunderstanding.

forgiving is one thing, but it still disturbs me alot.
i've been thinking alot about my actions nowadays...
so much so that i'm beginning to feel uncomfortable when i hang out with just girls.
and at one point of time, i thought... "HEY. maybe those rumours may be right. JOHN, U ARE FREAKIN SWEET TALKER JERK"
my ex gf used to tell me that i'm over friendly to girls.
during my singing performance days, i can never say no if a girl walked up to me and asked me for my msn.
i'm always happy and cheerful around girls, and i tend to sugar coat my words.

so yes, i told myself to be more conscious in everything i do.
i think before i speak, i think before i act.
---------

i admit i'm not good with guys.
i don't know what guys go through their head seriously.
apart from my close guy friends from secondary school, and a few i met in university, i seriously think that the rest are hard to understand, complicated, and really turn offish.

and you know, its disturbing u know.
i watched some movie recently about a groom who cldn't find his best man because he didn't have any guy friends.
and i was so worried i'll end up like him.

but no, its not like i'm not trying.
i really do treat every body the same. guy girl, students, old, young, whatever.
---------------------

rants aside. whatever i said on top has no link to whatever i'm goin to say below now.

----------------------
today i realised something..
one of the guys, lets name him S (because i'm beginning to think he's an ass) who spreaded really hurtful insulting rumours about me a few mths back goes round telling other people that other guys are flirts as well. A is a flirt, and so is B, and C.

let us rewind.
few months back, you called me a flirt. i took your opinion constructively even though you hardly knew me.
then you called my friend's friend a flirt, i didn't think much about it. (cause why should i? i don't know him)
now you're calling my friend's boyfriend a flirt, and i'm beginning to worry for you.... i'm not pissed, really, just worried.

coz to you,
everyone else is a flirt.
and you seem to be the nicest guy on Earth.

isn't that worrying?
aren't u being a little too self centred?
aren't u being a little too insensitive?

i was walking along arts with my friend that day when she pointed to me this guy, and told me how horrible he was, how she heard alot of bad things about him etc.

i looked at him, and i saw myself.
i've been judged for what i have been in my past. i've been judged by people who don't even know me, who hear from others.

so what if i had umptheen failed r'ships?
does having lots of past r'ships automatically make me a bad guy?
or on the contrary, is a guy who never ever had any relationships the best of the lot?

so why don't people see the other side of the coin?
i've been single for 2 yrs,
i'm stupidly in love and holding on to a girl that isn't mine anymore..
i think of her every night, and sometimes i shed tears before i go to sleep.
whats worse,
i've tried, but failed to fall in love again.

a month ago, i met a girl, i did so many things for her birthday, and i honestly thought that everything was going to fall in place for once.

but no, i was still being judged.
and yes, i now don't love anyone. apart from my best buddy, and that girl who isn't, and would never be mine anymore.

the words dixie once said to me still rings in my head.
and i blame myself, even up till today, for this horrible personality that resulted in the breakup of what i deem my most perfect r'ship in my 24 years alive.

but the cruel fact is that, looking back at my past is not going to solve anything.

for gdness sake,
you're free to judge me.
nobody can stop you.

but 1. judge yourself first before u judge others
and 2. judge me only if you know me, not hear about me.

to this mysterious wonderful mr perfect.
stop calling others a flirt..
coz i look at you, and i don't see any better.
and because of that, you don't have the right to label every guy who's nice a flirt...

i'm disturbed when you judge my friend's boyfriend as if he's the most ugly person ever, and you're mr prince charming who's tryin to save my friend from the evil demon.

peace.

isn't it funny how the older i get, the more i'm convinced that i want something that i've let slip three times in my life?

i don't blame myself for letting you slip when we were both in secondary school, cause we were both young.

but then,
why when we were older?

on a brighter note, i just got a song done recently.
my first in a very long time.
i realise my songs all revolve around the same theme, but i guess thats what people like me do...

somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue :))

when i'm away for internship next year, i wonder what i would do without seeing these bunch of hyperactive fun kids.

i love music.
but am i doing enough?

feeling like a third party ain't cool.