late night studying.

studying with josheen wee gave me a little impetus to start on my long overdue SC2205, SE2221 and NM3210 revision...
been quite some time since i last caught up with her anywayy...
glad i did, coz i managed to complete two SC2205 readings (out of which i never could manage to read when i'm studying at home)
and on top of that, it was good company.

we had a little conversation on the end of the world, and once again, i realised how many things i want to do but i haven't done yet..
and i was telling her how i totally can picture who i want to call and who's the last person i want to hear other than my family members before i die.
i'm not surprised if the world ends in 2012 really.
since the bible, and lots of major catastrohphies have been correctly predicted.

meanwhile, its going to be the end of the world if i don't buck up for the remaining 3 modules.
3 more papers, 2 more days,
and i cant wait for this burden of exams to be lifted from my wandering heart.

and i heard this song by bsb while driving on my way back home.
it goes sth like "i wanna stay single, i don't need a girl who finds me when he's gone"
how apt, which guy or girl is willing to be a substitute?
although ironically, i wldn't mind if its you, only that u dont see me as a substitute.
and then the vicious cycle goes on, coz if which girl is willing to be a substitute, then does it mean i'm destined to be a roving bachelor?

okay. before more philosophical thoughts start filling in my 4am wandering mind,
i should turn in now.

To do list after exams: (And i HAVE TO DO IT)
1. Master the guitar
2. Master beatboxing
3. Jog and start working out
4. Find out more about music universities overseas.
5. Find out more about speech level singing qualifications (so that i can level up when it comes to teaching)

I think i already know what i'm goin to do in future,
but i'm still going to go ahead for a 6 month internship to see if communications new media is for me, or should i just focus fully on music.

C'MON JOHN. u can do it.
GUITAR, BEATBOX, IMPROVED SINGING HERE I COME!~ :)

i salute these twins, really.
they cant sing, but they made me laugh like crazy.
watch the conversation part especially! hahahaa...

i woke up early today
so i decided to surf around on youtube, and i cant help but realize.

the standard of american idol is so high, compared to singapore idol.
they have the budget to hire live musicians, with string ensembles, vocal harmonies, dancers, etc.
so why cant singapore do something like that?

i've always thought stage choreography is extremely important.
but thats something thats obviously lacking in singapore.



while i'm still on music,
i've got to talk about mariah carey,
i watched her previous videos when she was way younger, and her songs were all fantastic, her voice was clean, and clear...
now her voice is nasal, hoarse, and a little congested... (though she still sounds great)
but yes, the importance of proper vocal techniques! (otherwise u probably wont be singing as nice as before ten years from now)

and still on music,
why are artistes in the past all vocally strong.
celine dion, mariah carey...
whereas now its full of people who use technology to tweak the pitch of their voices...
its sad how the music industry is going.

but as i'm saying this,
i'm still grooving to justin timberlake and craig david, so ya.... :))

seeking solace.

the weather's been great recently.
i've taken a liking to walking around my estate at night.
the temperature, the breeze is perfect for me in the search for peace and tranquility in my dull, boring life.

and a glass of baileys or vodka amidst the breeze is one of the greatest pleasure in life that i can find of late.

a pity i don't have a roof garden.
or a convertible.

but i guess, i'm contented.

went sukiya again with my parents just now, but we parked at suntec.
and suddenly the fountain brought back loads of memories.

my first time together with her was in secondary school.
i was like totally infactuated and gaga at that time, and while we were out with lots of RV people, i dedicated a msg for her on the fountain.
and told her i'll love her forever.

yea rite. forever.
we broke up soon enough.

the fountain holds lots of memories for me not only because of this.
but because i walked around it making wishes like so many times.
you know, walking around the fountain three times, stretching your hand out, and making a wish?

yes, i know.
you must be thinking to yourself "HUH HOW STUPID IS THAT. JOHN KHOO DOES THAT?"

but yes, i remember going there at least three times when i was with her.
twice i went alone.
once i went there and wished for her results in JC.... coz we were quarreling a lot back then and it was affecting her results...
so i went there and wished that she'll get through her exams with good results.

second time i went there and wished that we'll totally live happily ever after and that she'll want to marry me once i get out of NS and start schooling and earning enough money.

i cant believe i was that naive.

i was half tempted to walk around it just now again,
and wish that you'll live happily ever after with your boyfriend now.
but thats so fake isn't it?

when what my heart's really crying out, is that you'll love me again, we'll get married, i won't take you for granted, and we'll have kids and have a happy family together.

i'm honestly perturbed. read please.

several things happened that prompted me to pen down my thoughts today.

to start of,
i have a confession to make.
i'm probably one of the most insecure guys you can ever meet in your entire life.
i claim i dont care about what others think about me, but no, i care actually.
i care that i'm fat. that my face's too big.
i care that my complexion sucks, and that my hair's bad
i care if my hair colour's dull or if my clothes are a little too big or tight.
i care that i'm not well built, that i don't frequent the gym

rants aside.

--------
a few months back, someone labelled me a flirt, and spreaded that across the entire arts camp.
he dissected a lot of my actions and words, and slashed each word and action with a sharp blade, questioning not only my intentions, but my character as human being.

1. i went to the east to pick up two girls to camp, because it was their last day, and they hardly bonded with the OG. i didn't want them to start school with no friends to hang out with. so yes, i offered to pick them up and bring them back to school.

funny how the story got twisted up in the end. but yes, i forgave that person because i took it as a misunderstanding... or at least thats what i hope to believe.. its all a misunderstanding.

forgiving is one thing, but it still disturbs me alot.
i've been thinking alot about my actions nowadays...
so much so that i'm beginning to feel uncomfortable when i hang out with just girls.
and at one point of time, i thought... "HEY. maybe those rumours may be right. JOHN, U ARE FREAKIN SWEET TALKER JERK"
my ex gf used to tell me that i'm over friendly to girls.
during my singing performance days, i can never say no if a girl walked up to me and asked me for my msn.
i'm always happy and cheerful around girls, and i tend to sugar coat my words.

so yes, i told myself to be more conscious in everything i do.
i think before i speak, i think before i act.
---------

i admit i'm not good with guys.
i don't know what guys go through their head seriously.
apart from my close guy friends from secondary school, and a few i met in university, i seriously think that the rest are hard to understand, complicated, and really turn offish.

and you know, its disturbing u know.
i watched some movie recently about a groom who cldn't find his best man because he didn't have any guy friends.
and i was so worried i'll end up like him.

but no, its not like i'm not trying.
i really do treat every body the same. guy girl, students, old, young, whatever.
---------------------

rants aside. whatever i said on top has no link to whatever i'm goin to say below now.

----------------------
today i realised something..
one of the guys, lets name him S (because i'm beginning to think he's an ass) who spreaded really hurtful insulting rumours about me a few mths back goes round telling other people that other guys are flirts as well. A is a flirt, and so is B, and C.

let us rewind.
few months back, you called me a flirt. i took your opinion constructively even though you hardly knew me.
then you called my friend's friend a flirt, i didn't think much about it. (cause why should i? i don't know him)
now you're calling my friend's boyfriend a flirt, and i'm beginning to worry for you.... i'm not pissed, really, just worried.

coz to you,
everyone else is a flirt.
and you seem to be the nicest guy on Earth.

isn't that worrying?
aren't u being a little too self centred?
aren't u being a little too insensitive?

i was walking along arts with my friend that day when she pointed to me this guy, and told me how horrible he was, how she heard alot of bad things about him etc.

i looked at him, and i saw myself.
i've been judged for what i have been in my past. i've been judged by people who don't even know me, who hear from others.

so what if i had umptheen failed r'ships?
does having lots of past r'ships automatically make me a bad guy?
or on the contrary, is a guy who never ever had any relationships the best of the lot?

so why don't people see the other side of the coin?
i've been single for 2 yrs,
i'm stupidly in love and holding on to a girl that isn't mine anymore..
i think of her every night, and sometimes i shed tears before i go to sleep.
whats worse,
i've tried, but failed to fall in love again.

a month ago, i met a girl, i did so many things for her birthday, and i honestly thought that everything was going to fall in place for once.

but no, i was still being judged.
and yes, i now don't love anyone. apart from my best buddy, and that girl who isn't, and would never be mine anymore.

the words dixie once said to me still rings in my head.
and i blame myself, even up till today, for this horrible personality that resulted in the breakup of what i deem my most perfect r'ship in my 24 years alive.

but the cruel fact is that, looking back at my past is not going to solve anything.

for gdness sake,
you're free to judge me.
nobody can stop you.

but 1. judge yourself first before u judge others
and 2. judge me only if you know me, not hear about me.

to this mysterious wonderful mr perfect.
stop calling others a flirt..
coz i look at you, and i don't see any better.
and because of that, you don't have the right to label every guy who's nice a flirt...

i'm disturbed when you judge my friend's boyfriend as if he's the most ugly person ever, and you're mr prince charming who's tryin to save my friend from the evil demon.

peace.

isn't it funny how the older i get, the more i'm convinced that i want something that i've let slip three times in my life?

i don't blame myself for letting you slip when we were both in secondary school, cause we were both young.

but then,
why when we were older?

on a brighter note, i just got a song done recently.
my first in a very long time.
i realise my songs all revolve around the same theme, but i guess thats what people like me do...

somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue :))

when i'm away for internship next year, i wonder what i would do without seeing these bunch of hyperactive fun kids.

i love music.
but am i doing enough?

feeling like a third party ain't cool.