several things happened that prompted me to pen down my thoughts today.
to start of,
i have a confession to make.
i'm probably one of the most insecure guys you can ever meet in your entire life.
i claim i dont care about what others think about me, but no, i care actually.
i care that i'm fat. that my face's too big.
i care that my complexion sucks, and that my hair's bad
i care if my hair colour's dull or if my clothes are a little too big or tight.
i care that i'm not well built, that i don't frequent the gym
rants aside.
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a few months back, someone labelled me a flirt, and spreaded that across the entire arts camp.
he dissected a lot of my actions and words, and slashed each word and action with a sharp blade, questioning not only my intentions, but my character as human being.
1. i went to the east to pick up two girls to camp, because it was their last day, and they hardly bonded with the OG. i didn't want them to start school with no friends to hang out with. so yes, i offered to pick them up and bring them back to school.
funny how the story got twisted up in the end. but yes, i forgave that person because i took it as a misunderstanding... or at least thats what i hope to believe.. its all a misunderstanding.
forgiving is one thing, but it still disturbs me alot.
i've been thinking alot about my actions nowadays...
so much so that i'm beginning to feel uncomfortable when i hang out with just girls.
and at one point of time, i thought... "HEY. maybe those rumours may be right. JOHN, U ARE FREAKIN SWEET TALKER JERK"
my ex gf used to tell me that i'm over friendly to girls.
during my singing performance days, i can never say no if a girl walked up to me and asked me for my msn.
i'm always happy and cheerful around girls, and i tend to sugar coat my words.
so yes, i told myself to be more conscious in everything i do.
i think before i speak, i think before i act.
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i admit i'm not good with guys.
i don't know what guys go through their head seriously.
apart from my close guy friends from secondary school, and a few i met in university, i seriously think that the rest are hard to understand, complicated, and really turn offish.
and you know, its disturbing u know.
i watched some movie recently about a groom who cldn't find his best man because he didn't have any guy friends.
and i was so worried i'll end up like him.
but no, its not like i'm not trying.
i really do treat every body the same. guy girl, students, old, young, whatever.
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rants aside. whatever i said on top has no link to whatever i'm goin to say below now.
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today i realised something..
one of the guys, lets name him S (because i'm beginning to think he's an ass) who spreaded really hurtful insulting rumours about me a few mths back goes round telling other people that other guys are flirts as well. A is a flirt, and so is B, and C.
let us rewind.
few months back, you called me a flirt. i took your opinion constructively even though you hardly knew me.
then you called my friend's friend a flirt, i didn't think much about it. (cause why should i? i don't know him)
now you're calling my friend's boyfriend a flirt, and i'm beginning to worry for you.... i'm not pissed, really, just worried.
coz to you,
everyone else is a flirt.
and you seem to be the nicest guy on Earth.
isn't that worrying?
aren't u being a little too self centred?
aren't u being a little too insensitive?
i was walking along arts with my friend that day when she pointed to me this guy, and told me how horrible he was, how she heard alot of bad things about him etc.
i looked at him, and i saw myself.
i've been judged for what i have been in my past. i've been judged by people who don't even know me, who hear from others.
so what if i had umptheen failed r'ships?
does having lots of past r'ships automatically make me a bad guy?
or on the contrary, is a guy who never ever had any relationships the best of the lot?
so why don't people see the other side of the coin?
i've been single for 2 yrs,
i'm stupidly in love and holding on to a girl that isn't mine anymore..
i think of her every night, and sometimes i shed tears before i go to sleep.
whats worse,
i've tried, but failed to fall in love again.
a month ago, i met a girl, i did so many things for her birthday, and i honestly thought that everything was going to fall in place for once.
but no, i was still being judged.
and yes, i now don't love anyone. apart from my best buddy, and that girl who isn't, and would never be mine anymore.
the words dixie once said to me still rings in my head.
and i blame myself, even up till today, for this horrible personality that resulted in the breakup of what i deem my most perfect r'ship in my 24 years alive.
but the cruel fact is that, looking back at my past is not going to solve anything.
for gdness sake,
you're free to judge me.
nobody can stop you.
but 1. judge yourself first before u judge others
and 2. judge me only if you know me, not hear about me.
to this mysterious wonderful mr perfect.
stop calling others a flirt..
coz i look at you, and i don't see any better.
and because of that, you don't have the right to label every guy who's nice a flirt...
i'm disturbed when you judge my friend's boyfriend as if he's the most ugly person ever, and you're mr prince charming who's tryin to save my friend from the evil demon.
peace.
