i'm awfully disappointed.
the most trusted student i had in my choir actually turned around and played me out.
imagine putting all your faith and appointing her vice president, and she turns out to nip you in the butt.
an awful disappointment, a stab in the heart.
sometimes i really wonder how to manage kids like that.

i came up with the motto one for all all for one for the choir.
and now everything is in shambles.

i needed my students to stand up for themselves,
to love music,
to love singing,
and to be united.

i thought i succeeded in doing so.
only for today to ruin everything.

so they say adults are complicated with politics and stuffs at workplace/school?
i say children nowadays are way more complicated.

i've never felt more disappointed.
maybe i'm just not cut out to be a conductor then.

i'm in shambles.

the past 2 weeks have been fantastic really,
apart from getting to know new friends from crashing arts camp,
i also got to spend alot of quality time with friends =)
had a fantastic camp of our own in my place with josheen and van,

a pity sports camp didnt work out for me. i was so looking forward to all the fun sports...
but with all the rudeness and politics going on that pretty much irritated me..
i'm not the kind to take such things. i dont see why i have to subject myself to such bullshit..
which is probably why i dont think i can ever work under somebody. i need to be my own boss and be in control of my own stuffs.

i woke up today (sunday) feeling very empty.
technically i woke up at 9am, but i had dreams that i wanted to continue, so i continued sleeping, and my dreams continued, and i refused to wake up from that dream all the way till 1pm...

then comes the post -dream- hangover effect.
i've been loving the dream so much , that waking up and returning back to the real world sucks.
i'm not feeling empty, and pretty much zombie-ish,
and it doesnt help that i'm home alone, and my parents r out shopping for groceries (which i would have gone for if i woke up earlier from my dream)

i need to start looking forward to something.
i used to look forward to messaging you in the morning,
meeting you,
talking to you on the phone,

and now, i feel as though i'm nothing without you.


i read something in this book i bought that day.

"There are many incredible women in this world. If you're hung up on one particular girl you just cant get out of your mind - and she hasn't given you any sense that she shares the feelings - then recognize thats not how you're feeling, thats obssession. The best thing to do for yourself is to go out and interact with as many women as possible, until you realize that there are plenty of people out there for you - some of whom are capable of recognizing your worth and reciprocating your feelings"

yeah right.
maybe its true.
but contrary to whats being said above, i'm kind of relieved that for once in my life,
i actually know what i'm feeling, who i really love, and who i really want to spend the rest of my life with.
i've been getting into relationships, after relationships, after relationships, without ever sitting down to reflect whats wrong with me, why i'm always in this ongoing cycle.

is it going to help interacting with as many women as possible?
even if there are so many people capable of recognizing my worth and reciprocating my feelings, what if there's only one person i want to share my worth and feelings with?

okay. i admit.
because of the dream i had yesterday/today,
i'm in a worse state than before.

i've spent close to 3 yrs trying to forget you/her.
only for a dream like this to send me crumbling down,
to make me feel even deeper than i ever did before.

i miss a relationship in the past.
is anyone in the same boat as me?

its so easy for friends to go "john, move on.. she's not worth it" or "c'mon there are so many other fishes in the sea, trees in the forest".
and what about "aiyar, you've been in so many r'ships, just go find someone else, not like its going to be difficult for you"
or "john, its two years... it has been two years... time to move on..... dont be silly"

but
its
not
that
easy
for
me

period.