point to myself:

1. i'm not doin anything everyday. i'm just playin championship manager, watchin hours of hk serial, teaching music, and nothing else

2. my life's too boring. i need something to spruce it up.

3. i want my dog back in my house. i miss rocher like crazy.

4. i'm beginning to wonder why the hell we attend arts camps and orientation weeks when ultimately we don't exactly make friends we talk to. hi, bye friends. :S

5. i'm having sleeping disorders. i sleep earli, and i'll wake up in the middle of the night at 3 or 4am and fail to sleep again. den i'll sleep by 6am, until noon.

6. i'm skippin school too much. i don't know why but i just feel that this semester is a bloody waste of my time.

extinction.

each time i think i meet someone nice, i've been made to discover its a mistake.
and when i finally meet a genuinely nice person, it just doesnt move the way it supposed to move.

now you know why i'm still stuck in this rut.

my best buddy just said something that made me think:

mel says: (PM 11:47:33)

is she really worth it buddy..i know u'll say she is no matter what. even if she says she hates u and tells u to stop bothering her u'll still think she's worth it. i dont know whether to admire u for your strong devotion or to think that u're the silliest guy

mel says: (PM 11:47:46)

and i honestly think that even if she really gets married, u wont forget her

mel says: (PM 11:48:19)

and then ur whole life will be ruined cos of her. at least your love life will be ruined.

mel says: (PM 11:48:41)

have u honestly never ever come close to being so in love with someone that u think u may be able to get over her?

gosh john khoo. its been 2 yrs. get a grip.

girl: why do you keep talking to me even though i never ever talk back to you? why do you keep asking me out when i've always said no?

guy: because, for each time you say no, there is always this possibility you might one day say yes. and i'm willing to go through this time and time again just to live for that slight possibility.

------

this is how the human mind works.

if you're shameless enough that is..

what harm does it make from asking as long as you put your ego down?

its all about sacrifices anyway isn't it?

thats what love is about isn't it?

putting down of egos, unconditional everlasting feelings...?

sidenote: i cant believe recess week is over. and everyone around me is feeling the same.

innocent minds.

getting drunk twice in a space of 2 wks made me realize something.

i woke up today to a dream.

and for once, the dream felt slightly more real when i went to my phone and discovered a reply.

its just nice to hear from someone that has been perpetually gone missing for such a long period in ur life.

someone who means that something.

its funny how the conversation with the people i clubbed with yesterday revolved around msging your ex boyfriend/girlfriend when you are drunk, and how stupid and loserish that is.

then it occured to me that i must be doubly loserish because i don't have to be drunk to do it.

but seriously whats wrong?

why can't ex-es still keep in touch?

to be honest with myself, i don't know what i'm doing.

i've claimed i've let go umptheen times this year.

and i did wholeheartedly thought i really did move on.

but can't anyone understand?

i've never ever ever loved someone that much.

yes, i know my friends are going to start lamenting and whining at how stupid i am again.

but yes, its really something i can't control.

i can't control that i don't enjoy grinding in clubs because i remember things she said.

i can't control that each time i club i look around hoping to see her.

it just isn't simple.

maybe somewhere, somehow, amidst all my lameass declarations that i've moved on, i'm still hanging in there for some weird reason.

hanging on and hoping that one day i might be able to love someone else the way i loved her.

hoping that that someone who can make me love this way would appear.

someone please remind me not to cut my hair for the next 6 months.

thankyou. :|

happy birthday eugene!

happy birthday eugene! :)

its been like what.. 10 years of friendship? :)

and many more to come! :D

may all ur wishes come true!

shit, i think its damn gay to dedicate an entry to u .

hahahaaa

but what the hell :)

APPRECIATE IT OKAY :P

musicians.

are eccentric.
are highly emotional.
are humble.
and they love what they are doing.

no one musician is every accomplished, because there is so much more to learn from people around you.
i learn from some of my students on how to remain passionate in music.
i learn from some of the people i meet new vocal techniques, music directions.
i learn from television new skills in singing, and playing, and music arrangements.
thing is: we learn continuously, no matter how good and accomplished we alreadi are....

i've finally found the extra effort to write a song after completely not writing for more than a year.
lets hope i can find a new direction in my writing...

btw, i'm lookin for an alto/soprano to assist me in my choir.
and also, talented lyricist to help me make my tunes nicer :)
so let me know if you or your friends can help! :)

i love my friends =)

my birthday is special this year because of the following people who have made my birthday so awesomely splendid.

lin yanping... :) for the birthday dinner, the random dvds we rented during our 4 hour horror flick marathon.... its been a long time since i did something like this... and everything was really fun.. thank you :)

josheen wee wen jun=)
for meeting me after your tiring hot day of frisbee and IFG and for the massively crazy camwhoring after that... i often feel that its unlikely to make many new friends in university, but u proved me otherwise ;) thanks for the awesomely sweet birthday msg and for tea in town... i'm glad i met you in NUS =)

huiqing, for always going against me but yet being one of the bestest friends in university, and for coming out despite having an upcoming test

huilin, for taking time off and rushing down after your tiring work...

charlotte, for taking time off your busy wkend... sacrificing time you can otherwise spend with your boyfriend, and also for your constant efforts to keep in touch and message me online even though you are out at internship now.

michael, for being such a great friend for the past few years. since rv days till now... you're always someone i can talk to...

for the surprise cake u guys bought me, and the lameass red apple with a card that says "coming soon"... for charlotte qing and lin, it has been 2 yrs since we known each other! and you guys are the friends i know i can count on in university when i'm absolutely down in the dumps :) thanks guys...

my students, seemun.. for being such a responsible and mature choir president...
wendy, for being one of the first few to message me at the stroke of midnight...

and at the stroke of midnight or somewhere near the first few hours of my birthday, i had friends like eleanor - for droppin me a sweet sms... and for always asking me if i'm fine when i appear emo...
jonchong my 1985 fellow buddy - one of the very few guys i can seriously talk to in university.. thanks alot bro...
lynette jiejie, 3rd ee (for the romantic 3rd ee loves you birthday message)
wanhsin, patricia... you guys were the few earliest to message me and it really meant a lot to receive birthday greetings within the first few hours of my birthday...

the many messages i received the instant i woke up...

camy (who msged my mum's number instead apparently),

eugene (long time friends messages are always the most heartwarming)

joy, lydia, venus, janice mei,

belinda sister (who finally didnt curse me to be single for the rest of my life)

as well as christine cousin (who forgot and thought you wished me late for my birthday when you were actually on time - what a cousin! i cant believe i helped you so much for your birthday. hrmphs.. haha)

brianna (for not forgetting like you promised)

michele, (for always being so enthusiastic and spontaneous about everything - from my guys night out poker sessions, to mahjong, to holidaying in bangkok)

nana (for meeting me and treating me to laobeijing high tea buffet)

michelle pokes (pleasant surprise!!),

mellissa buddy (you mean the world to me buddy...and i always always know u'll be there for me no matter what...just like how i'll always be here...)

ryan (i'm sorry i didnt reply you but i was driving! but yes, to receive msgs from you guys warms me.. haha)

zang ewe, for remembering. (for taking time off your ice cream buffet to meet me at ion for a photo)

grandma, mum and dad.... (for bringing me for my favourite coca steamboat, and for the angpow because you don't exactly know what to buy me - and also for somewhat promising to buy me a car once i graduate - which i hope you won't forget.. haha...)

and for the rest who msged me on facebook.... although facebook does take away the authenticity of birthday wishes (i'm guilty of it too, dropping a convenient happy birthday to friends while visiting their profiles)... but yes, it was heart warming to know that at least you guys remembered and bothered to click and say happy birthday...

university friends... (in order from earliest to latest)

sinyee (fellow gamelan modulemate),
tricia, samuel (for always reminding me to keep fit, although i don't exactly join you for your frequent invitations to jog with you),
allena, joyce, lynn koh wanying, wilson, liyana, gimsiong, peiyi, xiaowei, yeening, chinseng, yinyue, celestin,
huiying ally (who shares the same birthday as me!),
daisy, miss ou meimin,
sharon ally (one of the first 3 friends i made in my first year of university... i'm glad u still frequently remind me to organize our allies outing.. coz that shows you care :))
lizhen, cheryl, ginnie...
mag chua (for calling me flubber.. i seriously cant believe you havent forgotten my nickname in secondary school..)
jiayang (another one of the very few guys i trust in university... whatever happened to joce! she forgot to wish me!!) hahaa...
junyue, ryan, celeste, christabel, regina, kaiying
sara-ann (for wishing me and not forgetting about wii at the same time... what kind of a message is "happy birthday wiiiiiii"! hahaa...),
yanguang, yaozong, vanessa, qiling, szehwei,
weili, (for reminding me nt to be emo, although i think i should remind you the same)
vanessa (for being one of the last, but whew, u were on time)

students, nurul, chihpeng, jixiang, jasmine, lynn....

other friends from secondary school or elsewhere, some of which i haven met for AGES, like dawn, mori, diana auntie, xuefen, szeyin, cheryl yong, jialin, shuxian, geri, meijia, jolene chiang,

charlene chan (who has repeatedly promised to meet up, but to no avail even though i've been to pj umptheen times),
jasmine lau, (when was the last time we talked mann!)
yunhsiu (meet up soon please! i feel as though the last time i met you was when u stayed in parc oasis and knocked on my window)

those friends that wished me, LATE, but yes, still appreciated...

hweeguang (Woah. we go way back from primary school)
irene, daniel, selwyn, ariel, xiaoli,
wah suying (so am i invited to bangkok with you? :P)

tienkwan (for being late... i cant believe it!!!),
and cindy (for being the LATEST officially)
and wait. JAVIN (for JUST beating cindy and being the latest - 13th september 1135pm)
and now justin hong, friends since secondary 1 (for officially being the latest latest... =) sorry for not being able to meet up when you were back in singapore... but yes, i promise i'll better organise my time and meet you and fang when u're back again!

THANKS EVERYBODY FOR A MEMORABLE 24TH =)

happy birthday to me :)

how apt.
my 100th post in this blog marks my 24th birthday.

i cant believe i'm 24.
i dont feel like i'm 24.
and i hate being 24.
in one year, i'll be in my LATER part of my twenties.

anyway.
i had splendid birthday celebrations this year.
from the eve of my birthday right up to the stroke of midnight of the end of my birthday.

photos and thankful gratitude messages coming up soon (when i actually find the time to upload the photos and write my thankyou messages)

but u guys know who u are!
those that remembered.
thanks a million.
your birthday wishes and time was greatly appreciated.

in my oversized t-shirt.

you still haunt me.

its because of you that i figured out what it meant by being beautiful both on the inside and the outside.

i have been telling myself this has to stop.
but as i reach my 24th birthday,
i realize i'm still struggling.

soci of family lecture today convinced me that

1. i'm going to remain single for the rest of my life
2. i'm definitely not going to find a vietnam bride even if nobody wanted me
3. i am damn fussy when it comes to finding a partner.

lets all go wild.

i've recently come to realise that we become a lot more choosy and skeptical when making friends in university.

and that i have a very low threshhold for several type of people:
touchy guys.
bitchy girls.
backstabbers.
self centered people.
egoistic guys who think they look horribly good. (i meant the pun). or disgustingly strong and macho
social butterflies. (people who seem to treat u like frens, before realizing that they drift away before u can say hi)

and i guess thats why i've been keeping very much to myself lately.
i'm glad i have friends like huiqing charlotte jiayang elly chris huilin and celeste from university.
and that i've made new friends over the course of this semester like josheen jonchong.

and of course a few other names i may have missed out.

but other than that, i guess i've had my fair share of watching for myself how my tolerance level for certain kind of people is rather limited.
or how some people look nice on the outside, but harbours evil ill intentions on the inside.

which makes me all philosphical about things again, and life in general.

i've also come to realise how i get along with girls a lot better than guys.
anybody who has watched the recent movie on the best man would understand how it feels.

i have a bunch of guy friends from secondary school, and these friends are the only ones i would completely open up to. ryan, detong, michael, javin, james, marvin, eugene. and these are the only few guys i will probably invite to my wedding if i needed a best man.

sometimes i feel like i can count my true friends with two hands.
but then, it also could be because of a lack of effort on my part to maintain friendships with a lot of people.

like how i recently pangsehed peifeng for kbox with sabai shiwei vivian because i FORGOT that i told them one week ago i would join them for karaoke.

or how i will tell my frens we shld meet up for dinner, and when they say yes we should i just totally refuse to make the first move to actually arrange dinner.

ahhh.
and i choose to believe i'm not the only person who's facing such a problem.
i guess, if any of you are reading this,
u'll probably realise that at some point of time ur life's like that.

sometimes i see a familiar face in school,
and i think twice about whether i should say hi.
coz ultimately, that person's just an acquaintance, its not like i'll hang out with that person or anything in future.
but at other times i'll think "okay. john, be friendly. just smile and say hi. it wouldn't harm to be friendly would it?"

---

and did i tell u that.
a recent chick flick i watched called beth cooper gave me insights and a realisation:

that i've forgotten how it feels to love someone,
and how it feels to be loved.
for long periods of my life i've jumped from r'ship to r'ship,
without ever savouring any beautiful parts of these memories...

and yes, the words 'i love you' seems rather rubbish to me...
is it because i'm old and i've seen the world?
or is it just me? :|

---------
meanwhile on a lighter note,
apart from all these rantings,
i'm proud at myself for completeing my first ever choir music arrangement for my secondary school choir.
i've painstakingly arranged all soprano alto parts and written them down on a paper, that i hope will go on smoothly during practice tomorrow :)

REMINDER TO SELF: i've a test on tuesday. (which i know zilch about at this point of time, and its monday tmr)

i'm not in the mood to smile.

Virgo Guys - DAMN TRUE

I read this from an email sent to me by a friend, and i've got to admit, this astrologist has got everything spot on about me.

------------------

VIRGOS

This guy is a gentleman and has conservaive beliefs to match. He is also vain and thinks that cosmetic surgery in guys is not unheard of. He usually has a great sense of humour but stays away from loud people or people who are predominant in a group.

He believes that guys should woo the girl. For all his conservative beliefs, he rarely goes out with a girl who is all beauty. He often falls in love with simple girls who exude more brains, charms than beauty. This is also because of a virgo guy's underlying thought of "not dating someone prettier than him".

He is secretly very insecure with himself. He checks the mirror ten times before stepping out of the house and often feel insecure when people pass comments about him.

Trends in fashions, technology and sciences amazes him. Prudence is the key word with him and he will not be able to sleep when he thinks he did something improper during the day.

In love, he will be the perfect guy to bring to the salon on a date. He will not feel uncomfortable shopping and may even astound you with how much he knows about wrinkle creams, facial foams and hair sprays. He likes to pamper a girl, and would go all out to please a girl whom he genuinely cares about. He would however begin to shun any girl whom he feels is a waste of his time or finances.

A virgo male will stick to you when you need him the most. He will care for you and dutifully carry out all the responsibilities a husband is expected to do. But note, he cares for his friends the same way. The only difference is that he cares for you with love, whereas he cares for his friends with loyalty.

With all this practical romance however, a virgo guy takes break up less seriously than others do. He mulls over a break up for a day or so, but most of the time, he'll be up and running in a couple of days. A virgo guy is also more likely to date someone else after a break up.

If you intend to date a virgo guy, always look and smell your best when out on a date with him. He may laugh at you when you give a burp on the table, when deep inside he's actually going "ewww". Forget about wearing your most revealing dress in the wardrobe. A virgo man's kind of woman has to be clean - body, mind and soul.

GO CHARLES! :)

i was literally pissing in my pants during the results show..
was out, but managed to call in for him while i was out, and managed to rush back in time at 10 for the results show.
and yes.
CHARLES IS THROUGH TO SINGAPORE IDOL FINAL 12!

go charles!
:)

for those who's wondering who he is,
visit http://stitchbeatbox.wordpress.com for his official site :)

from afar.

things have not been easy for me for the past two years.
but at least i'm trying...

watching you lead a blissful life makes me even more determined to get mine straight on track...